Diary of a Mid-Life Single

 Never did I ever think that I would still be single at 40. I am recently learning there are reasons for that that I wasn't aware of until now. Deep seeded issues from experiences that have caused me to put up walls that wouldn't allow anyone in. Major trust issues that would take years to work through. I'm continually working on it.

My singles years haven't all been bad. I have always been a person that has had a lot of friends. I have done a lot more traveling than the average person. I know that even some would look at my life from the outside and think I have it good. That is have it easy. Some might be jealous. They don't realize that I have those same feelings about them having a loving spouse and children. Two things I have always longed for in my life.

Although I have always wanted to find my person to get married to and start a family... and not having that while I watched each one of my friends one by one get married and start that part of my life... all of my 20's and most of my 30's, I always had a lot of friends. I wasn't truely lonely. I went on lots of dates, I always had friends, I would get invited to things and I eveb sometimes liked and hung out with my roommates. I was bummed out then about my situation! Oh, if I could go back and tell my younger self that I had it good.

Nobody could prepare me for what being an older single would actually be like. I live a lone (parents near by... which I am thankful for) and now only like 3 or 4 friends that I actually do things with. Only a couple that are still single like me and actually know how I truly feel and can relate. Even those few friends, we don't hang out all of the time. I feel like I don't have a place at church because it is so family orietned and I don't have that. I realzie that is partly my own insecurities... but still. I feel like an outcast in my own family because I am the only one that is not married and doesn't have kids. Our lives are very different and because of that I don't quite fit in. People tend to gravitate to people who are in similar situations that they are. Nobody else is in my situation. On top of that none of them think I will actually get married. I already have a hard time with self doubt... my family not believing in me doesn't help.

Dating is a nightmare. Everyone my age is complicated and has lots of baggage (including myself) so finding someone who is emotionally and mentally healthy and stable is a challenge. On top of that I still want to have a kid if I can and most men my age have been there and done that and don't want to do that again... unless I ended up with someone much younger. And on that note... part of me thinks I could still have a kid or two and be an old parent and another part of me feels like I missed my chance. Either way, my clock is quickly running out and again... my family has no faith that will happen for me and that cuts really deep. They don't even realize how much that hurts me to hear.

I used to be able to find people to travel with and even that is a challenge now... because I have run out of friends. I might need to look into travel groups so I can meet new people.

Normal weekend plans for me are now hanging out with Milo and watching tv and cleaning. I know that is normal for a lot of people my age... but at least they have a spouse and kids to be with... so care about and to care about them. I talk to myself... and my dog. 

I have gotten used to my life this way (which would blow younger me away because I am such an extrovert) and a lot of times I am fine. There are other times (like how I have been feeling recently) that feel so lonely... where I feel forgotten and unlovable and wonder if I will ever find someone that cares about me. I wonder if there is something wrong with me.Wonder how I missed the boat.

I know everyone has their trials that they are going through. I am very aware that I am not the only one that gets sad and thinks life is hard. I do feel like a lot of people look at singles in a romanticized way and don't realize the amount of hurt that there is there because most people only see one side of the single world.... but a lot of the time I feel like I don't belong or feel left out because I'm single. I feel like people sometimes treat me differently or don't know what to say to me because I am single. Is some of that my own insecrities because I wish I was married with kids? Absolutely! However, I do live in a place where I am in the minority and not everyone knows how to handle that.

It is what it is. I am thankful for the people in my life that do get it. I am thankful for the people that treat me like anyone else. I am thankful for those that make me feel seen and really care. Even though there aren't many... I am thankful for the few I have. I hope that I won't be in this situation forever and when I am no longer in this situation, I hope that I can be understanding and sympathetic to those like me, and help others understand as well.

Cranberry Salsa

 This recipe was introduced to me by my cousin's wife (Melissa Pearson) and ever since we have had it, we would rather have this than cranberry sauce at Thanksgiving. 

Cranberry Salsa  

1 can cranberries (not jellied)

1 vellow bell pepper, chopped

2-3 bunches green onions, chopped

1/2 bunch cilantro, chopped

Pinch of salt and pepper

1 tablespoon ground coriander

Juice of 1 lime

1 serrano pepper, diced (optional)

Combine all ingredients. Chill several hours before serving.

Delicious on turkey sandwiches and with Thanksgiving feasts. Combine several tablespoons with 8 ounces cream cheese for a yummy alternative.

Zucchini Stuffing Casserole

 This is so yummy, I now make it every year when the zucchini starts growing. 

Ingredients:

• 6 cups zucchini, cubed
• 1/4 cup butter
• 1/2 cup onion, diced
• 1 package stuffing mix, divided
• 1 cup cheddar cheese, shredded divided
• 1/2 cup parmesan cheese, shredded
• 2 eggs
• 3/4 cup milk
• 3/4 cup water
• 3 Tbs butter, melted
• salt and pepper to taste

Directions:

1. Preheat oven to 375 degrees. Spray a 8x11 or two quart baking dish with cooking spray.
2. Cook onion in butter on medium heat until translucent, about 5 minutes. Add zucchini and cook for 4-5 more minutes to remove some water.
3. In a medium bowl, combine 1/2 of the stuffing mix, 1/2 of the cheddar cheese, eggs, milk, butter, and the zucchini mixture. Add just enough water for the stuffing mixture to be moist. Spread into baking dish.
4. In a small bowl, combine the remaining stuffing mixture, remaining cheeses and 3 Tbs of butter. Sprinkle over zucchini mixture.
5. Bake for approximately 25 minutes or until stuffing is lightly browned.

Potato Ham Soup

 Have left over Ham & an Instant Pot? Make this soup! It is SO good!

Ingredients 

• 1 Tbs Olive Oil
• 2 Tbs Butter
• 1 small sweet onion
• 2/3 cup celery, diced (about 2 stalks)
• 1 cup carrots, diced (about 2-3 medium)
• 3 cloves of garlic, pressed or minced
• 1 Bay leaf
• 1/4 tsp Coriander, ground
• 1/4 tsp ground nutmeg
• 1/2 tsp Thyme leaves, dried
• 1 tsp kosher salt (or 1/2 tsp table salt)
• 3 cups chicken broth
• 1 1/2 lbs Gold Potatoes, diced (no need to peel)
• 2 cups Ham, diced

To Finish

• 1/4 cup flour
• 1 1/2 cups half & half (or heavy cream or whole milk)

Optional

• 1 cup sharp cheddar cheese, grated
• 1/2 cup sour cream

Garnish

• Green onions, chopped
• Italian Parsley, chopped

Instructions

1. Turn on Instant Pot Sauté function (Normal/Med heat). When the display reads "Hot" add the oilve oil and butter.
2. Add the onion, celery, and carrots. Cook until the vegetables start to soften, and the onions are starting to turn translucent.
3. Add the garlic. Sauté for a minute, stirring constantly, until fragrant.
4. Add the bay leaf, coriander powder, nutmeg, thyme, and salt. Stir
5. Pour in the broth and stir.
6. Add the potatoes and the ham. Stir.
7. Place the lid on the pot and lock it in place. Turn the steam and release knob to the sealing position.
8. Cancel the Sauté function.
9. Select Manual (or pressure cook) and use +/- buttons to choose 5 minutes. High pressure.
10. When the cooking cycle has finished, let the pot go into the natural release (warm) mode. You don't have to do anything, it will do this automatically.
11. After 15 minutes of Natural Pressure release, you can manually release the remaining pressure by turning the steam release knob to the venting position.
12. When the pressure is all out of the pot, and the pin in the lid has dropped, you can open the lid.
13. Whisk the flour into the half & half and then whisk it into the soup. Turn on the Sauté setting and keep stirring unti the soup thickens. Then cancel the sauté setting.
14. Stir in the cheese, if using.
15. Add the sour cream, if using, and stir.
16. Taste and adjust salt if necessary.
17. Garnish as desired and serve.

Peach Pie

 Had SO many peaches this year from the garden so I decided to try making a peach pie for the first time. This recipe was good, so I am saving it here for later.

Ingredients

• ▢ 1 recipe All Butter Pie Crust
• ▢ 5 cups fresh or thawed frozen peaches
• ▢ 2/3 cup granulated sugar
• ▢ 1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon
• ▢ 1 tablespoon lemon juice
• ▢ 4 tablespoons cornstarch

FOR TOPPING:

• ▢ 1 recipe All Butter Pie Crust
• ▢ 1 recipe Crumble Topping

Instructions

• Preheat oven to 425°F.
• Place one pie crust in the bottom of a 9-inch pie plate and crimp as desired.


• Carefully stir together peaches, sugar, lemon juice, cinnamon and cornstarch. Pour into prepared pie plate.

TOPPING CHOICES:

• Top the pie with a crumble topping (as shown).
• Top the pie by making a lattice (see note) or a double crust pie. If using a double crust pie, be sure to cut holes in the top to vent during baking. If desired, cut shapes out of the top pie crust using a cookie cutter.
• Place a pie shield around the edge of the pie and place the pie on a cookie sheet.
• Bake for 10 minutes at 425° then lower the temperature to 350°F and bake for about 30-40 minutes, or until crust is baked through and golden.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  

Choices

 Life is made up of a series of choices.

I have been thinking a lot about this lately. We are constantly making choices. Some bigger than others, but each makes an impact. A little decision to decide to go to cycle class to check out my friend Stacey's class has not only led to my new favorite workout, but it led to a really great group of positive, fun and uplifting group of friends.

The choices you make don't seem really life changing until you are an adult. Some a lot more so than others. I often think about how my life would have turmed out if I would have gotten married when I was 26... if my enegagment didn't turn into an emotional roller coaster. My life would be completely different. I don't know exactly how different, would I have stayed married? Have kids? Gotten divorced? Knowing what I know now I like to tell myself that it wouldn't have worked and that is why god interfeared and stopped it from happening. I will never know for sure because that is not the path my life took. 

You hear people say all the time that things work out the way that they are supposed to. Seeing where my life is now, it is hard to get on board with that sometimes. A part of me has always been kind of mad that a traumatic experience gave me some deep seeded issues (that I didn't realize that I had until recently) that has prevented me from being open to the one thing I have always wanted the most. Love & family. It feels like I wasted the last 10 years of my life being a victim and upset even though I thought I had completely moved past it. In a way I had. I didn't care about him anymore.... but what happened changed me. The other part of me (the bigger part) is extremely grateful that I didn't get married then. I have so appreciated all of the people that I have met and that have been in my life since then that most likely wouldn't have been and all of the traveling and different experiences that I have had that I wouldn't have had if my life would have gone a different path. I also appreciate all of the lessons I have learned and the person I have become because of the hard things. Sure, I would have had hard things that I would have had to work through going down the other path... but would it have led to the same result in how I have turned out? Not sure, but I'm guessing not.

So occasionally I go down this rabbit hole of what if's and also extreme gratitude of how life has turned out and ponder about the decisions I am making now and how it could shape my life. What choices am I making or should I be making to go down the path that I want to go down? Job choices, health choices, dating choices, friend choices... am I wasting years or am I heading in a direction that I can be proud of? I of course hope for the latter, but some days I am not really sure. I'm still trying to figure out the balance of life. Where I should set boundaries and where I need to just let things go. Who is worth keeping in my life and who isn't. Am I being the type of people that I want to attract? Do I practive what I preach? 

I always thought by a certain age that you had life figured out, but maybe you never really do. I know we are always supposed to be learning and growing, but I just thought I would be more certain of more things by this stage in my life. 

I know that happiness is a choice, and that is something that I try and choose everyday. All the rest of the choices? I am just doing the best that I can with what I have been given and with what I have learned. Thats the best I can do right? I hope that one day I can look back on it all and have it all make sense and that I can say with confidence that it all happened the way that it was supposed to.

I don't know how much this post even makes sense. Nobody blogs anymore or reads my blog, but I guess it doesn't matter. I just felt like I needed to write out some of my thoughts. I miss doing that in my old blogging days. I always really enjoyed writing out how I was feeling. Now that I live alone... I probably should do that more often. It would probably help me process my thoughts better. Either that or I need to start expressing how I feel to Milo. Somehow I don't think it would have the same affect. ha! 

New Normal

Well... we are now in month 3 of COVID Craziness. The world is still divided on how to handle things, but right now I am super thankful to be living in Utah because we are one of the few states that are opening up and starting to get back to normal.

I thought I would share some of the new normal now... you know, just to document this crazy time.

First thing that was awesome and I wish would have lasted longer but it didn't were the gas prices. It got down to $1.75 a gallon which gas hasn't been that low in 15 years or so. It was really nice while it lasted though.

And although Utah is opening up as of a week or so ago and you can go inside most resaurants now, you see these signs on pretty much every food joint. Of course they were up before trying to keep their business from shutting down... even though you can go inside curbside pick up is still very much an option for the people that are still keeping their distance.

And speaking of the food industry, You also see a lot of people encouraging us all to support our local businesses. Downtown Provo did it as a sticker challenge. You document that you supported on your social media and tag them, you get a cool sticker designed by a local artist just for thie challenge. Yes... I totally participated. Even though I don't live in Provo anymore, I lived there for years and still eat there on occation beacuse I have so many favorites over there. So now I have a sweet Provo sticker. I think these promotions to support local buisnesses are great because I DO NOT want to see any of these places suffer for no reason.

Utah decided to pay tribute to all of the hospitals working hard by flying these jets across the state in their honor. Kind of cool. Everyone knew about it and a scedule was put out so you knew when to walk outside and look for them. You better believe that we stopped what we were doing at work to go watch for them outside.

And who knew that masks would be the hottest trend of 2020! Not me! Everyone is selling them or making them and in all kind of fun patterns. It is super weird to go out and see lots of people wearing masks... but at the same time, it's not anymore... because this is the new normal. Truth be told, I have only worn one once... when I went to get my hair done because it was required in order to go into the salon. I did buy one though for when it is required... but I am finding that not that many places require it, so I haven't had to use it much. Even when I finally got a pecicure, they didn't make me wear it. Which I appreciated.

Speaking of getting my hair done.... it was strange. Not only did I have to wear a mask, but I had to wait in my car for my friend to come get me and then I had to wash my hands right away. Thankfully they hadn't gotten their thermometers yet or else I wouold have had my temperature taken as well. But hey... it is what I needed to do in order to get my hair done, so I am happy to do it. Everything was pretty shut down here for a couple of months, so I was thrilled to get my hair done and my nails done... something most people in other states still can't do. My friends outside of Utah were pretty jealous when I posted getting these things done. Again... I am so happy that I am in Utah right now.

Amidts all the crappy things happening, there are a lot of good/ fun things coming out of this as well. There have been drive by parades for students from teachers and for missionaries that have come home and most recently for graduations.

In our neighborhood in Mapleton specifically we have had a lot of fun things happening... especailly for the kids.... like sidewalk chalk to display for others to see and bear hunts where people put bears in their windows or outside for kids to find when they go out walking. On our neighborhood facebook page we had people offering items that were hard to find in the store and others that were taking those people up on their offers but in trade for other goods. I loved seeing everyone be so thoughtful and kind and looking out for eachother. We also have a group that goes around the neighborhood doing social dis-dancing. THAT is my favorite. It makes me to happy to hear the happy music as they pull this lite up stage around the neighborhood while people come out of their house to dance and sing along. Talk about bringing happieness to the neighborhood!!

Then of course you have the celebrities jumping on board trying to spread some joy as well in their own way. You have networks offering free shows, movies that were supposed to be in theaters being realised right away, free broadway shows on youtube, Josh Groban singing "shower songs", Jimmy Fallon continuing to do the Tonight Show from home with his family and interviewing guests via Zoom and having each guest highlight a different charity and encouraging those who can to donate. Then there is my favorite, John Krasinski doing "SGN" (Some Good News) Just reporting on all of the good going on around the world. A lot of the videos have made me cry. But are we surprised by that? I'm not.

So there is an update on the new normal. It has been sad for me not to be able to travel or even plan to travel which makes me so happy. But I have been trying to switch my focus and see it as an opportunity to get lots of projects done that I have been putting off! I will do another post on all of my projects soon. Also... I keep buying more house plants. ha ha. Maybe I will do a post on that as welll. It is getting a little out of control. Ha! Ok... bye for now.