Never did I ever think that I would still be single at 40. I am recently learning there are reasons for that that I wasn't aware of until now. Deep seeded issues from experiences that have caused me to put up walls that wouldn't allow anyone in. Major trust issues that would take years to work through. I'm continually working on it.
My singles years haven't all been bad. I have always been a person that has had a lot of friends. I have done a lot more traveling than the average person. I know that even some would look at my life from the outside and think I have it good. That is have it easy. Some might be jealous. They don't realize that I have those same feelings about them having a loving spouse and children. Two things I have always longed for in my life.
Although I have always wanted to find my person to get married to and start a family... and not having that while I watched each one of my friends one by one get married and start that part of my life... all of my 20's and most of my 30's, I always had a lot of friends. I wasn't truely lonely. I went on lots of dates, I always had friends, I would get invited to things and I eveb sometimes liked and hung out with my roommates. I was bummed out then about my situation! Oh, if I could go back and tell my younger self that I had it good.
Nobody could prepare me for what being an older single would actually be like. I live a lone (parents near by... which I am thankful for) and now only like 3 or 4 friends that I actually do things with. Only a couple that are still single like me and actually know how I truly feel and can relate. Even those few friends, we don't hang out all of the time. I feel like I don't have a place at church because it is so family orietned and I don't have that. I realzie that is partly my own insecurities... but still. I feel like an outcast in my own family because I am the only one that is not married and doesn't have kids. Our lives are very different and because of that I don't quite fit in. People tend to gravitate to people who are in similar situations that they are. Nobody else is in my situation. On top of that none of them think I will actually get married. I already have a hard time with self doubt... my family not believing in me doesn't help.
Dating is a nightmare. Everyone my age is complicated and has lots of baggage (including myself) so finding someone who is emotionally and mentally healthy and stable is a challenge. On top of that I still want to have a kid if I can and most men my age have been there and done that and don't want to do that again... unless I ended up with someone much younger. And on that note... part of me thinks I could still have a kid or two and be an old parent and another part of me feels like I missed my chance. Either way, my clock is quickly running out and again... my family has no faith that will happen for me and that cuts really deep. They don't even realize how much that hurts me to hear.
I used to be able to find people to travel with and even that is a challenge now... because I have run out of friends. I might need to look into travel groups so I can meet new people.
Normal weekend plans for me are now hanging out with Milo and watching tv and cleaning. I know that is normal for a lot of people my age... but at least they have a spouse and kids to be with... so care about and to care about them. I talk to myself... and my dog.
I have gotten used to my life this way (which would blow younger me away because I am such an extrovert) and a lot of times I am fine. There are other times (like how I have been feeling recently) that feel so lonely... where I feel forgotten and unlovable and wonder if I will ever find someone that cares about me. I wonder if there is something wrong with me.Wonder how I missed the boat.
I know everyone has their trials that they are going through. I am very aware that I am not the only one that gets sad and thinks life is hard. I do feel like a lot of people look at singles in a romanticized way and don't realize the amount of hurt that there is there because most people only see one side of the single world.... but a lot of the time I feel like I don't belong or feel left out because I'm single. I feel like people sometimes treat me differently or don't know what to say to me because I am single. Is some of that my own insecrities because I wish I was married with kids? Absolutely! However, I do live in a place where I am in the minority and not everyone knows how to handle that.
It is what it is. I am thankful for the people in my life that do get it. I am thankful for the people that treat me like anyone else. I am thankful for those that make me feel seen and really care. Even though there aren't many... I am thankful for the few I have. I hope that I won't be in this situation forever and when I am no longer in this situation, I hope that I can be understanding and sympathetic to those like me, and help others understand as well.
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