Choices

 Life is made up of a series of choices.

I have been thinking a lot about this lately. We are constantly making choices. Some bigger than others, but each makes an impact. A little decision to decide to go to cycle class to check out my friend Stacey's class has not only led to my new favorite workout, but it led to a really great group of positive, fun and uplifting group of friends.

The choices you make don't seem really life changing until you are an adult. Some a lot more so than others. I often think about how my life would have turmed out if I would have gotten married when I was 26... if my enegagment didn't turn into an emotional roller coaster. My life would be completely different. I don't know exactly how different, would I have stayed married? Have kids? Gotten divorced? Knowing what I know now I like to tell myself that it wouldn't have worked and that is why god interfeared and stopped it from happening. I will never know for sure because that is not the path my life took. 

You hear people say all the time that things work out the way that they are supposed to. Seeing where my life is now, it is hard to get on board with that sometimes. A part of me has always been kind of mad that a traumatic experience gave me some deep seeded issues (that I didn't realize that I had until recently) that has prevented me from being open to the one thing I have always wanted the most. Love & family. It feels like I wasted the last 10 years of my life being a victim and upset even though I thought I had completely moved past it. In a way I had. I didn't care about him anymore.... but what happened changed me. The other part of me (the bigger part) is extremely grateful that I didn't get married then. I have so appreciated all of the people that I have met and that have been in my life since then that most likely wouldn't have been and all of the traveling and different experiences that I have had that I wouldn't have had if my life would have gone a different path. I also appreciate all of the lessons I have learned and the person I have become because of the hard things. Sure, I would have had hard things that I would have had to work through going down the other path... but would it have led to the same result in how I have turned out? Not sure, but I'm guessing not.

So occasionally I go down this rabbit hole of what if's and also extreme gratitude of how life has turned out and ponder about the decisions I am making now and how it could shape my life. What choices am I making or should I be making to go down the path that I want to go down? Job choices, health choices, dating choices, friend choices... am I wasting years or am I heading in a direction that I can be proud of? I of course hope for the latter, but some days I am not really sure. I'm still trying to figure out the balance of life. Where I should set boundaries and where I need to just let things go. Who is worth keeping in my life and who isn't. Am I being the type of people that I want to attract? Do I practive what I preach? 

I always thought by a certain age that you had life figured out, but maybe you never really do. I know we are always supposed to be learning and growing, but I just thought I would be more certain of more things by this stage in my life. 

I know that happiness is a choice, and that is something that I try and choose everyday. All the rest of the choices? I am just doing the best that I can with what I have been given and with what I have learned. Thats the best I can do right? I hope that one day I can look back on it all and have it all make sense and that I can say with confidence that it all happened the way that it was supposed to.

I don't know how much this post even makes sense. Nobody blogs anymore or reads my blog, but I guess it doesn't matter. I just felt like I needed to write out some of my thoughts. I miss doing that in my old blogging days. I always really enjoyed writing out how I was feeling. Now that I live alone... I probably should do that more often. It would probably help me process my thoughts better. Either that or I need to start expressing how I feel to Milo. Somehow I don't think it would have the same affect. ha!