Confessions of a Brunette on the Internet 251 - Merry Christmas

Work has been super slow. We have just been sitting around and eating junk and getting fat. Which makes me feel crappy. I don't know why I do it. It's just so easy to do. I really need to get it together with the new year. In fact on Monday... literally all we did was watch the BYU football game and eat chips and dip. I don't even really like watching football, but it was better than working. Or not working because there was no work to be done.

Sunday we had stake church. That is always an interesting thing... we combine as a stake because so many people go out of town for the holidays and then they ask random people to speak. One girl talked about an analogy and compared the atonement to the Provo Tabernacle getting struck by lightening and burning down so they decided to turn it into a temple. My roommate and I and the random guy sitting next to me all at the same time say "that's not what happened". I mean I guess being struck by lightening is kind of the same thing as an electrical fire. Then the next guy that spoke look like a character our of "Clue" with his tan suit and old fashioned purple tie and matching scarf and slicked back hair. He went into a VERY detailed analogy with cooking and how he messed up gravy in detail and tried to use impressive vocabulary in his talk that didn't quite fit and then started crying when he bore his testimony about because of Jesus he will be able to find someone that loves him and he loves her and be able to get married (I don't think you need Jesus for that) and because he he had a testimony of Jesus he could be come a God and create worlds and civilizations. He was QUITE thankful to know he will become a God and create worlds because he mentioned it at least 3 times throughout his talk. It was all too much. Bless his heart. He looked right out of high school.

Yesterday I worked a half day, then did some last minute shopping for Christmas and then went to go see the lights that you can see off of the freeway in Orem by myself. I went last year with John... but I just felt like going again because I didn't have anything else to do. They are super pretty. I mean... if they catch your attention from the freeway, you know they are good. After that I also drove by the cemetery by my house because on Christmas Eve it is always beautiful. They are tea light bags and wreaths around the entire cemetery. Anyway, I took more pictures (that I will show more of later) of the Orem house lights... but here is what you see from the freeway.

It snowed today. Everyone got a white Christmas. My nieces and nephew were praying for it. I know it is exciting to a lot of people... but I was fine with the way things were. However, I did get to test my car out with how it does in the snow. It is awesome! So nice to know I'm going to be so much more safer this winter in my new car. I was always so tense driving in the snow before... now I don't need to be. I love that.

Well, it's Christmas. I wish I had a better attitude about this year. Having similar feelings about Christmas as I did on my birthday as I'm sure I will on New Years Eve. It's 3 weeks of feeling uneventful and feeling extremely lonely and even kind of pathetic. It's not anyone's fault. It's just how I feel. I hate feeling this way. Every year it gets worse. Maybe next year I should just take an awesome vacation for 3 weeks and just skip them. Or would I feel the same but just in a different location?

There are certain times of the year that a single person feels very single. This is one of them. It's just me and my parents while we wait for the rest of my siblings to be done having Christmas with their own families before they come over and have Christmas with us. I try to put on a happy face, but what I really wanted to do for the past couple of weeks is just cry... and that might have also happened as well. I wish I was fine and happy being a lone... but I'm not. Well.... sometimes I am, but not all of the time. I know I just wrote that letter to myself saying everything was fine. I meant everything that I said in that letter so I feel a little hypocritical writing all of this now, but the reality is... it is hard. I hate having this trial and I don't know why I have to have it.

I think I'm even more frustrated right now because divorced guy that I thought things were going well with just dropped. I tried to get him to be a man and communicate with me, but he couldn't do it. Just tried to be Mr. Nice guy but then also not be honest with me when I asked him and just do the confusing crap of wanting to chat with me but then apparently want nothing to do with me. Not sure why when he was the one that was all about me for a month or so after we were set up. I just don't need that in my life though. I need a man that is mature and can communicate with me. I have also gone on dates with other guys... which I literally just sit there and listen to them talk about themselves for however long the date goes on for. The entire time I am listening to them talk about themselves I'm thinking... why did you want to go on a date with me? It surely wasn't to get to know me. If it was just to talk about yourself... well... there is therapy for that.

I'm so tired of guys wanting me around just because they are bored or lonely or want to talk to me like I'm a therapist. No guy wants to actually date me, they just want to use me for their own personal gain in one way or another. All I want is for a guy to want to be with me because he thinks I'm special and beautiful. Different from a lot of the other girls out there. I want a guy who is equally interested in me as he is in himself. I want a guy that is mature and secure in himself and can communicate with me. I want a guy that actually cares about ME! Not as a sexual object, not as a therapist to talk to when they are having problems and not someone to do something with because they have nothing better to do. I want them to want to spend time with me because they would rather spend time with me than do anything else. Is that too much to ask for? Apparently it is.

So this Christmas I'm wallowing in self pity. I hope your Christmas was better than mine. Merry Christmas.