A Girl Should Be Two Things: Classy & Fabulous. - Coco Chanel


Thursday, May 18, 2017

Confessions of a Brunette on the Internet 375

I already blogged about getting pedicures with my co-workers. After work I went paddle boarding. I was supposed to go with Kyle... but he came late and then it was so Windy I was just getting out by the time he got there. It wasn't worth it. Paddle Boarding in the wind is NO Bueno. So I just went home and chilled the rest of the night. But at least I got out for a little bit right?

Saturday, Rachel wanted to hang out... so I went with her to Ikea so she could pick up something and then I convinced her to come with me and Drew to hang out up Hobble Creek Canyon and sit by the fire and hang out and take pictures. Glad Rachel decided to come. I also already blogged about that so I don't have much else to say about it except that Drew was SUPER weird about the fire. He wouldn't touch it. It was the first time ever in my life that a guy not only didn't take over the fire but not even help out with it. Rachel and I handled it though. We didn't even bring wood. We made that sucked out of scraps that we found laying around. We kept it going for a while too. I thought that was pretty great. When we decided to leave and had to put it out and didn't have enough water... I was the one that crawled down in the dark to the creek to get more water to put out the fire. I always like it when guys so those things and they always have in the past... but apparently I don't need them for any of it. ha ha. j/k... it wasn't anything major, but still good to know I can do it.

Sunday was Mother's day. It started out pretty positive. I tried not to get on social media too much. Sure I know it is about my mom... but it is hard for me to get on and see all of my friends post pictures of them with their kids and say how thankful they are to be mom's. I'm happy for them of course... but I don't need it rubbed in my face since that is something I really want. So I backed off social media. I then went to my parents house for dinner. I had brought treats for my mom and sister and sister in law to say happy mothers day. I didn't expect anything... but Kristy, being the very thoughtful sister that she is wrote me a really nice and thoughtful card... and so did all of her kids telling me happy mothers day and thanks for being a great example to them and spending time with them. That meant a lot. And Jamie, being the thoughtful sister she is... text me thought of me and knows how hard it is for me but that she wanted to wish me a happy mothers day and she was thinking about me and loves me. I really appreciate when people just try to understand my situation and that sometimes it is really hard. I try not to show how much it bothers me because I like to stay positive... but it really gets to me sometimes. So these little gestures mean a lot to me.

That being said... I had a chat with my parents after everyone was gone that lead to a discussion about me not being happy with where I am in my life right now and how I feel stuck and after the long talk with my parents... I left the house REALLY depressed. To the point where I had text Jamie back and she could tell I wasn't doing well and called me and talked to me for a couple of hours trying to help me through it and I cried on the phone and cried myself to sleep. I hate feeling that way. And I didn't snap out of it right away. I'm still not really out of it. I need to make some changes... but I don't know how to make anything that I want to happen... happen. I feel stuck. Not a great feeling. I feel like I have failed as a human being.

Since I was feeling so depressed... I decided to take Jamie's good advice and accomplish a project that had been on my list for a while. One of my goals this year was to become more of a minimalist. So I have been wanting to go through one space at a time and get rid of a bunch of stuff that I don't need and organize the stuff that I keep. So far I had not started anywhere. So Monday after work I tackled my closet that had a lot of random stuff in it including my food storage and camping gear. I ended up getting rid of a ton of stuff and it felt great. And it made me happy to check something off of my list. Amazing what that does for you... or at least for me.

Tuesday I went on a date with a guy I met online. He was WAY more into me than I was him. I am always confused of how they don't pick up on my vibes I am putting down. We had yummy sushi though and had some good conversation after we got past the beginning awkward part. Apparently I put up a wall? I have been told that... but what I really think it is... is that I'm not interested and I am showing it... but trying to be polite at the same time. I am not very good at hiding my feelings soo.... that is more of what I think it is. Like I said, we did have some good conversation, we are just two different people in two different worlds PLUS I wasn't attracted to him... but I think it just made me even less attracted to him. It's fine, that is pretty much what I expected, but I thought I would give it a go just in case. Not a great date didn't help me feel better about my situation and the depression I am in.

Wednesday I went to Reanne's Jazz Band concert... but I already blogged about that. She was great and I am glad that I got to go even though I was faking trying to be happy and in a good mood. I would do anything for my nieces and nephews.

Guess that leaves us with today. I have a co-worker in town from Texas. She is training a few different people on our team to be back-up for her in her different responsibilities. While she is in town... we are all taking turns going out to dinner with her. The first time she came and was getting to know everyone and she herself was being trained on her job... Joe and I went out to dinner with her to Magelby's. This time... me, Candice and Amy all went out to dinner with her one of the nights she was here and we chose to go to The Black Sheep. I had only been once a few years ago and it is a little pricier and REALLY good... so since the bill was on the company, we chose Black Sheep. Good choice if you ask me. We had fun.

And that's it. That was my week. Not my best of weeks... but hopefully I can get out of this depression soon.

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