A Girl Should Be Two Things: Classy & Fabulous. - Coco Chanel


Thursday, May 12, 2011

Confessions of a Brunette on the Internet 65

I don't know why Blogger was down.... but while it was down it deleted my post from yesterday and then re posted it and my comments are gone. Whats up with that? At least it came back.

On Saturday I played the "Connect" game system for the first time and of course danced my heart out. Its pretty awesome. You don't have to hold a controller and the dance moves get more intense. It could actually teach you how to be an awesome dancer if you let it. I am being more and more sold on these games. I think I need to sell what I have now and upgrade.

Saturday I also went to WalMart with a friend that used to be in my ward. I hardly see her anymore and we were at the same party and both of us needed to go to WalMart so we shopped while we caught up. We were talking about how we are tired of the dating game and I saw some guy all dressed up spot us in WalMart. He didn't say anything but I could tell he checked us out. As we were leaving the store and heading into the parking lot he comes out of nowhere and asks us if we got something for our mothers for Mothers day the next day. Smart way to start conversation I guess. We end up talking to this guy for like 15 minutes or so and he left with my friend's number.... as we were walking back to our car we noticed that he was not even next to his car when he stopped us to talk... so we know that he totally plotted and planned it. Too bad neither one of us were interested, but I was really happy and proud of him for making the effort that he did. More guys should do that. Maybe if more guys did that sort of thing... there would not be so many older single girls such as myself. Just sayin.

All of my cousins on my dad's side of the family came over to my parents house for Sunday dinner. I had not seen all of them in years. It was so great to see them. Just started me thinking though... I am the ONLY one on that side of the family that is not married. One of the very few on my mom's side that is not married as well. I felt like after all of these years people didn't know what to say to me. What to talk to me about. I feel like an outcast in these situations. I really try hard not to, but I do.

This week out of nowhere my computer got a virus and everything shut down. I couldn't get any work done... they put me in another office on a different computer... but everything was so different that it took me twice as long to get anything done. It was so annoying. Along with that I wasn't feeling that great this week either... I have slept a lot. All in all this week didn't completely suck... but it wasn't that great either.

I know that usually I confess about random stuff. I like to be light hearted and funny and stay positive about life when it comes to my blog...but here is a true confession. I know that to most people my life seems really great, and it is, but I am lonely. I get sad. I'm tired of fighting the same battles. Out of everyone that was at my parents house on Sunday where everyone could only think to talk to me about my job and what I do there I had one cousin that was talking to me one on one and told me that he remembered how hard it was for him to be the last one to get married and that he didn't know if it was hard for me... but it was for him. I almost started to cry. Sometimes... all I want is to be understood. For people to know that some days its harder for me to deal with than others and when I'm having a hard time, I need to talk about it. Sometimes my heart aches because I feel like I am never going to get married and I long for that companionship and desire so badly to have children of my own even though I really love my nieces and nephews. Sometimes, even though my life is great and I feel like I make the best out of what life brings me, I want people to recognize that it is hard to be single. That it would be nice to feel loved  by a guy and to have that consistency in my life. Have I been depressed this week? No. Frustrated? Yes. Discouraged? Very much so. Sometimes I feel like somewhere in my life I made a wrong turn and that things would be different for me if I had done something different. I don't know if that is true. I am not really sure what to do about it all except for keep trucking along and hope for the best. Maybe I need to go on the Mormon Bachelorette to find true love. I don't know... but I'm ready.

Sorry, don't mean to be a downer. Just how I have been feeling this week... and it wouldn't be a true confession if I didn't share that. In other words, its out of my system now, so you won't hear about it again.


Dallas and Kirsten said...

I love you. I'm sorry that you've had a hard week and I know there's not much I can say about what you're going through. I've been there and felt that loneliness. Just know that you are extremely loved by so many people. And just think, maybe you haven't met you're guy yet because he just needs a year to mature a bit...aka my lil bro :)

Lynette Mills said...

I thought you left our house Sunday feeling a little blue. Wish I could wave a magic wand and produce prince charming... but he'll show up on his own in his own time. Hard to wait... I know!

Glad blogger is working again

Kayleigh said...

Oh Tracy! This post made me tear up. I feel the exact same way.

Lori said...

Hang in there Tracy, I was there too. Your future husband will be worth the wait :)

Janet said...

I was there for eighteen years and know how you feel. When I finally became content with my singleness the Lord brought Gary into my life. He will do the same for you.

jamie hixon said...

I would think you were made out of kryptonite or something if you didn't confess something like this every once in a while. Everyone has their "stuff" and everyone has their days. Or weeks. Or years. But you are strong and awesome and I admire you a great deal. Just keep being awesome. Life will be awesome right back.