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Thursday, April 22, 2010

Confessions of a Brunette on the Internet 10

I believe I think about things too much. I don't know if that is a good thing or a bad thing. Sometimes I feel like almost everyone around me is crazy, but then maybe that makes me the crazy one. The topic I have had on my mind lately? Dating/Marriage/Love. Living in Provo, I feel like things are so extreme either one way or the other. People get married really fast, or they date forever and can't seem to commit to marriage and blame it on commitment issues. We have people that get married SO young, and then we have people (mostly guys) that are well into their 30's and still just going along in their single life not putting an effort into even caring about getting married.

I realize that relationships are all different and that they are complicated and by no means am I claiming to know anything. I am still single, so I obviously have not figured it out. I guess what I am trying to say is... why does it have to be so complicated? Does it seem like this to anyone else?

Recently I got a phone call from one of my best friends. He called to tell me that he was engaged. I always thought that when the day came for him to get engaged, I would be so excited for him. But I wasn't as happy for him as I should have been. Why? Because he had only spent two weekends with this girl which was approximately 3 dates AND they are long distance. I don't care how much you have talked on the phone with this person, THEY DON'T KNOW EACH OTHER! Because I am one of his best friends I felt like I had the obligation to tell him he is insane and that I don't think it is smart. After that is said, he has my love and support. But I have to say something. I realize there are exceptions and that some people really do know after such a short period of time and it turns out fine, but it if the answer is right now, it will be right in another 6 months right? What do you have to lose by waiting? You will either find out that you really are not right for each other OR you will grow to love each other even more deeply because of what you have experienced together, but why take that chance? Why make a HUGE life decision on knowing a person for a few weeks? I just know that I dated someone for over a year and found out that he was a very different person than who I thought I fell in love with. I understand that anyone you marry, it is going to be a risk, but I think you can make it less of a risk by really getting to know someone before you marry them.

Also recently, I have found out that there are 3 women that used to work with at my previous job that have gotten a divorce within the last year. One of them was married for 4 years and has a daughter, one of them was married for a 2 years or so and has a daughter and the last one was just barely married a year (had only dated a couple months before getting married) and is pregnant. Knowing this, would it not make you a little more cautious when choosing your marriage partner? I know there are good reasons to get out of a marriage, but I feel like at the same time a lot of it could have been avoided by really getting to know someone before getting married. I also realize people can change, but usually you see signs (if you date long enough). I also believe that A LOT of marriages fail because of selfishness and lack of trying. Do people enter into marriage thinking that it is going to be a fairy tail Happily Ever After? Do people think that if the marriage requires work then it is not a good marriage? Is it because people are lazy? I don't understand it, but I wish I did. These couples were once in love enough to want to spend the rest of their lives and eternity together. What changed? Why did they stop trying? One of my biggest fears is that I can try everything I can to make a relationship work, but in the end... the other person still has their agency and can give up on me and the relationship will still fail.

On the other hand, I am surrounded by older guys (in their 30's) that don't even date. I realize that these are complicated times. By this age, you have seen friends and family go through divorce, bad marriages, and a lot of other heartache. It becomes easier to just be single than want to risk going through that. A part of this makes sense to me, it is fun and sometimes easy to be single, but I still long to have someone to love and to have that loved returned. I have a desire to start a family, we are social creatures and are not meant to be a lone. It is a proven fact that men are happier and live longer when they are married. So then why is it such a challenge to get these guys to want to get married? I know personally that when I was in love, it was worth every sacrifice to me. I was so much happier in a relationship, even when things were not perfect, it was still worth being in a fight to be with someone that I really loved and loved me back. And with every struggle we had it made me understand him more and learn and grow to have a better relationship and be a better and less selfish person. Marriage is hard work, but I also believe it brings the greatest blessings and happiness. My parents and siblings are good examples of this. They all have great marriages. Not perfect, but great... because they work to make it that way (my siblings AND their spouses). It takes two! Because of their work in their marriage, each have great kids that are being raised in stable, healthy and loving homes. That is a lot more than most kids get now (which I am really seeing in the tutoring program).

A conversation was overheard on Sunday. One guy (35) was talking to one of the new guys in our ward. He was explaining that the ratio in the ward was so bad that the guys were really feeling sorry for the girls and even started to pray for the girls. He explained how this ward change was an answer to prayer because it brought more guys into the ward. This would be a nice thought, if he wasn't making us girl sound desperate to the new guy AND if the guy (35) actually dated any of the girls himself. But he doesn't. (Am I missing something here?)

I realize that I am just rambling, and I don't know if there will ever be an easy answer for any of this... but, I just hope that I find a man that will love me for exactly who I am and won't ever want to give up on me, that will want to work hard on marriage with me and because of that we will have a happy, fun and successful marriage. If not.... I guess I will continue to dream about Mr. Darcy.

9 comments:

Jonathan said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
rachel v. said...

Sorry that was my comment earlier, but then I realized I was logged into Jon's email :)
I just wanted to say that this is a great, honest post! And you are not the only one that feels this way, I am sure. You are spot-on with sacrifice and effort being important parts of a marriage. You are a wonderful girl! Anyone would be lucky to love you.

Kel said...

amen sista.

it's very easy to get discouraged, but remember..it just takes one.

have I ever told you about my "men in war theory" that'll be a story for Chicago..

T-Ray said...

Oh Kel, you have not told me about the "men in war theory" but I can't wait to hear. :o)

Abby Wright said...

So I am always excited to read your blog because you ALWAYS update it and it's always SO interesting to read. About this last post, I hear ya. I was there too along with a lot of women. It reminds me of a post I did FOREVER ago: http://abbycheatham.blogspot.com/2008/08/speaking-of-speaking-in-church.html

But I wanted to say that Jared and I knew each other a year before we got married...and we still didn't know each other. My parents were married after 8 weeks. MARRIED. They have struggled with that, but stuck through it. Courtship really depends on the person. Marriage is the hardest thing I have EVER done in my life. If you think agency now is an issue wait till you are married and they decided to do something really off the wall. The biggest lesson I have learned in marriage is my eternal happiness depends on me and me alone. Husbands are great and they get you the ticket into the celestial kingdom through marriage but you alone can open the door. I wish the men weren't so stupid, really stupid and they could see you and all the other single ladies for who you are. You are amazing and they should be getting their butts in gear and asking you out. Jared was NOT the person I always thought I would marry, but he is the person I was MENT to marry. You never know what God has in store.

PS Thanks for always saying such sweet things about me on my blog. It always makes me feel loved:)

Lauren Graff said...

I again wish there was a like button to this post! I have said this a million times but I love your blog and the fun things you do in your life!

THE LIZARD'S said...

wow... You bring up so many good and interesting points in this post. I do think that getting to know someone is good but I think its really important to rely on Heavenly Father for promptings becasue it can be hard to really get to know someone for just a month or even a year. Also, I think that men and women need to have realistic expectations of thier possible mates... like dont expect a super model guys and someone whos super fit when you dont even work out! ha..ha.ha! that one cracks me up. I have single friends who have gone through that. And girls need to be open to dating guys as long as they have really important traits... sometimes the superficial ones just have to go. I think that the girls in your ward are truly trying though and I thought that comment of the 35yr. old was funny... "we feel sorry for the girls"...dang, what blow and he probably didnt mean it that way but I would have felt strange about that too. And marriage.. well, I have so much to learn still after 5 years. There are people close to me at like 15 and I think ..wow.. they holdin' strong. Everyone's marriage is different but for small things ..like getting along or day to day living (not major fights) I think it comes to compromise... just be willing to bend and always be there to support and love them. I feel like that has worked well in my marriage. I really enjoyed reading all your thoughts. I felt like you eamiled me. hee.hee.

politicchic6 said...

You and I have talked about this topic extensively so I am sure that you know my feelings. I am pretty sure I know who that 35 year old guy is and think he needs to stop attending singles ward events and move on with his life.

Kayleigh said...

I know how you feel

And that guy in your ward needs to be punched in the.... face. I'll volunteer my fist! What a total jerk. Most guys LIKE that there are more girls in a ward than guys.