Mr. Can't Take a Hint

I was set up on a date a couple of years ago. I had fun and ended up going out with this guy one more time about a month later. I thought he was a really nice guy, but I just was not interested in being anything more than his friend. We have semi kept in touch since our last date. I saw him once during the summer. He wanted me to come say hi to him on my way back from a trip... so my friend and I met up with him... at a bar.... where he was drunk. This is when I learned that he had been excommunicated from the church. I would have never guessed that on our dates. I was not going to stop being his friend over it or anything... but I guess it is a good thing to know. I saw him one other time for like 10 minutes in September. That is all. Although I was not interested... I always thought he was a nice guy and fun to talk to. He was always sweet and respectful, so I was a little surprised when I got this text message from him about a week ago. 

*= what I was thinking and when I didn't respond

"= what I actually said

Mr. Can't Take a Hint: "What's your policy on makeout buddy relationships?"

Me: "Ummm, why?"

*warning... this is a long text convo that lasts 3 days*

Mr. Can't Take a Hint: "Well, you see, three things have recently occurred to me. Humans need to be touched to feel loved. Being loved helps one to be successful in life. And all of us single people have perfectly serviceable lips that we could be putting to great use :) plus you're cute and I'm sexy. I'm seeing no downside."

Me: *No response*

Mr. Can't Take a Hint: "Plus I'm coming to the realization that I'm never going to get baptized, don't want to date nonmembers and would very much like to feel not quite so alone.

Me: "Oh, please don't give up on being baptized. That makes me sad." *did you notice that I did not even entertain the talk of makeout buddy?*

Mr. Can't Take a Hint: "I'm not giving up. I'm just discouraged. Oh and my brother got engaged as of this evening"

Me: "What? That is great. I'm sorry you're discouraged. I feel that way about getting married all the time."

Mr. Can't Take a Hint: "Ya. It's exciting. I am serious though. We both know I'm not serious dating material at the moment, but I'm excellent/ideal makeout buddy material. I'd even settle for cuddle buddy"

Me: *Oh you would settle for whatever I would give you? How sweet... No response*

Mr. Can't Take a Hint: "Movie and popcorn or a walk around the block would be nice too. Are you busy tonight?"

Me: " I'm at a party right now"

Mr. Can't Take a Hint: "ah, indeed. All offers stand. :) Keep in touch"

Me: "Thank you. Will do"

HOUR AND A HALF LATER

Mr. Can't Take a Hint: "Hmmm... do how late is this whole at-a-party thing going to last tonight?"

Me: "It's pretty much over but I'm still talking to a friend and then going to bed"

NEXT DAY

Mr. Can't Take a Hint: "Indeed. Hope you had a good night. You know I don't remember if I've ever actually sent out a make out buddy request. I could probably have been more smooth about it"

Me: *No Response* 

6 HOURS LATER

Mr. Can't Take a Hint: "So I feel a little silly about last night. I was partially kidding. You know, at least like twenty percent."

Me: "You weren't kidding... you just didn't like the response you got."

Mr. Can't Take a Hint: "It was a little more neutral than I hoped for. But saying you're twenty percent kidding is the same as saying one wasn't kidding."

Me: *Okay, are you kidding or not kidding* "I have been used a lot. Not really interested in being used anymore."

Mr. Can't Take a Hint: "The twenty percent kidding was actually coming from me figuring you were probably going to say no. But you're fun enough I thought i'd give it a shot" *umm what is that supposed to mean?*  "Being used is harsh. I apologize if you felt like that's what I was asking you for.

Me: "What would you call asking someone to be your makeout buddy? I am fun, but I want to be respected."

Mr. Can't Take a Hint: "Well, on one hand, purely physical kissing and cuddling is a huge waste of time, kinda gross and extremely degrading. Yuck. On the other hand, I know that no matter how much I like a girl, there's no way she or I can commit. If she's LDS commitment is impossible until I figure things out with the church. If she's not LDS, things are impossible until I figure things out with myself and in the meantime, I feel a very human need to be touched and figure it's unlikely I'm the only one who does"

Me: *No response*

Mr. Can't Take a Hint: "So my idea of respectful makeout buddy is someone with whom one agrees that there is potential for a mutually beneficial comforting, therapeutic, strengthening and inspiring relationship based on respect, care and consideration that lifelong commitment is impossible unfeasible, it becomes primarily focussed on creating infinitely wonderful moments when eternal ones are out of reach."

Me: *No response*

Mr. Can't Take a Hint: "Similar ideas of polyamity, it would essentially be a non-exclusive, friendship intensive, intimate (mental, emotional, cuddling and maybe some kissing) relationship designed to fill mutual voids in the soul for as long as both parties remain benefitted. Thus we have the polyamorous dating relationship, aka makeout buddy or beneficial friend."

Me: *OH!! When you put it that way... ha ha. Oh are you convinced yet? Me neither!* "I understand what you are saying. I hope you find someone that fulfills those needs, but it's NOT going to be me."  *Let me make is SUPER clear since you obviously have not been getting the hint*

Mr. Can't Take a Hint: "Sigh. Very sad. I'm actually not totally convinced that it's possible, but i've got an out of town friend who's been trying to convince my it works."

Me: *Awesome... that makes me feel even better about this. Thanks for sharing... No response*

Mr. Can't Take a Hint: "I know a lot of people exclusively "date" even when they know long term commitment is impossible. That seems silly to me though. Why go exclusive when you can't commit to the future."

Me: *Is this you still trying to convince me? No response... PS I am starting to get annoyed. Stop texting me*

Mr. Can't Take a Hint: "I hope you didn't feel insulted. You're fun and cute enough that I'd probably pursue you seriously if I wasn't completely certain i'd get my heart broken again."

Me: *Umm thank you? I think?.... NO RESPONSE*

4 HOURS LATER

Mr. Can't Take a Hint: "What do you think, honestly. Forget kissing. Is respectful, affectionate non-exclusive cuddling possible?"

Me: *WOW! You are desperate! Again... No response and I am getting even MORE annoyed at your text messages*

2 DAYS LATER

Mr. Can't Take a Hint: "So I have a confession. I found someone who was into trying friends with benefits. It sucks. I feel extremely torn, conflicted and off balance."

Wow... after all of that you just admit to me that you went on looking for a makeout buddy and found one and now you are going to complain to me about it after trying to convince me for 3 days to do it with you. Yep... totally didn't respond. Not even sure what to say about this anymore. It came out of nowhere and if he would have stopped after I said no and left it a lone, that would have been one thing, but the longer he tried to convince me and bargain my affection... the more and more I got upset and annoyed. Now remind me why I am not supposed to think all men are horny pigs?

How would you have handled this situation?