A Girl Should Be Two Things: Classy & Fabulous. - Coco Chanel


Sunday, August 5, 2012

Living in the Bubble

I know that to many people, my life looks glamorous. In a lot of ways, I guess it is. I have a lot of friends and am living in a place where I am constantly meeting new people and getting invited to do fun things because we are all single and wanting to have fun. It is really great. I can see why from the outside... people might be jealous. I am happy and living life to the fullest until my Mr. Right comes along. As I should be. My life seems all happy and fun and for the most part I try to keep my blog positive because I like to focus on the positive.

Although this single phase of life is so free and fun... it comes with so much heart ache. The guys and girls both experience it, but I think it is worse for the girls. We all want to find someone special that we can get married to and start a family, but here we all are struggling to do so. I think the most frustrating part about it to me is that we are in a place where it should be the easiest because there are so many singles here, but I think once you are in the 25 and up age range... it is one of the hardest places to find love. 

You are probably wondering why? Doesn't make much sense does it? Dating has become so complicated. It really shouldn't be. There shouldn't be so much pressure there, but there is. There is so much pressure from others and on ourselves to commit to someone and get married, so people are over analyzing and thinking too much about everything that they think is supposed to go a certain way and they freak out when it doesn't. They give up before they ever gave it a try. That and singles (especially the guys) are like kids in a candy store, there are so many singles to choose from, they can't settle on one, because what if there is someone even better out there that they have missed? 

Something that finally clicked for me as one of the major problems here is that we live in this bubble. Not just in the sense that we are all LDS and that there are more LDS singles here than you will find anywhere else, but people's way of thinking is so off. Many of the guys think because they served a mission and lived the way they are supposed to that they deserve a trophy wife and when it comes to dating are really shallow. People think that finding "The One"means finding your soul mate (which doesn't excised). People are so focused on their check list in what they want in their future spouse that they are over looking a lot of great possibilities. Most of the guys go after the same 5 girls in the ward because they are the prettiest and then they think that all girls are so difficult to figure out and reject them all the time because they are going for the 5 girls that do get all of the guys so those girls feel like they can be picky and shallow. Meanwhile the rest of the average girls don't get asked out as much because guys think that we will get too excited over them asking us out and they don't want to hurt our feelings or just because we are not the prettiest girls and they deserve to have the prettiest girls because attraction is number #1 priority. By the way, this is not me assuming what guys think, I have had some very honest and blunt conversations with guys lately.

Because a lot of the guys are shallow, the majority of the girls get depressed. They compare themselves to the 5 girls that get asked out by every guy.... wondering what those girls have that they don't. They come to the conclusion that it is their fault. They are not pretty enough, they are not skinny enough, they are not talented enough or have as good of a personality... so on and so forth. I am guilty of it too although I try to not let myself fall into that trap.... I do. It is hard not to. These are good guys. These are the guys we are supposed to be searching through to find a husband, so we believe these lies. We all start believing that a guy will never want us unless we are a size 2 etc. I'm not saying that some girls shouldn't try harder, because I do think that. You should make yourself look nice. Dress up for church, put on some heels, do your hair and make up, be happy, fun and look your best. However, many girls do this and they are not givin the time of day by most of the guys (dating wise). It breaks my heart that so many beautiful, talented, smart, fun and amazing girls get left un-noticed as a dating possibility. I have seen so many girls cry because they think they are not good enough as compared to the prettiest girl in the ward, but it is such a lie. Am I saying that attraction is not important? Of course not! I know it is important and with some people, you just know it is not there for you and that is fine. What I am suggesting (that I think girls are way better at than guys) is that you get to know the cute girls (not the prettiest) and see how wonderful they are and develop a relationship where they become the most beautiful girl in the world to YOU. For some reason, this is a hard concept for guys to grasp. So guys continue to be shallow and frustrated that it isn't working out for them and the girls continue to be depressed and frustrated that it isn't working out for them. It is so messed up. Seriously. 

I am constantly being told by people (guys and girls) that are either married or living outside of Provo or Utah, how beautiful I am, what an awesome person I am, how talented I am and how any guy would be lucky to have me, and I believe that is true. I know that I am going to make a great wife to one lucky guy. To the world's standards I am so amazing but to the bubble's standards, I am below average. Even though I know how great I am and what I have to offer, it is so hard not to get sucked into the messed up way of thinking in the bubble. That way of thinking is not real life though. Not every guy wants a girl that is a size 2. Everyone has different taste when it comes to attraction and what they want. I really believe there is someone for everyone... you just have to give people a shot. I have gotten into some heated discussions with some guys where I am practically yelling at them trying to get into their head what they are doing. What I wish more than anything though is to help the girls. I don't want to see them or myself depressed over it anymore. I want them to know that any guy that thinks that way is not worth their time and that they are amazing even if these guys don't see it and that they will find a guy that loves and appreciates them for exactly who they are. There are so many AMAZING girls here that the guys are really missing out on. The guys would be marrying up with a lot of these girls. 

I don't know how I could ever start to fix this problem.... but I had to blog out my frustrations all the same. If you have any suggestions, feel free to share them with me so I can fit it into our next Relief Society activity or something. Until then... realize this is the big downside of being single. ALWAYS thinking and worrying about this. It's the pits.


Meg said...

Thanks for blogging about this :) I share a lot (OK all) of the same frustrations. You're the best.

Kayleigh said...

I really appreciate this post Tracy. Although I am married (but only recently so) I always had a hard time dating. I felt exactly how you described in your post. I never felt like I was something anyone wanted. Of course I know it isn't true, but that doesn't mean one can't

You're never going to find someone that has everything on your list of qualities and getting married isn't about finding one perfect person. It takes work, hard work, and it's an ongoing process even after you are married. I can't say I have some great advice to make the search easier, but it will happen all in Heavenly Father's time. You are such a great person Tracy and I hope you know that :)

Lori said...

I remember all to well the feelings of these frustrations.. although I know they are worse in Provo. My main problem was that I wasn't always in the best scene for finding/attracting the right guy. I think you should get away from Utah for awhile. Can Novell send you to another campus for a year?
I love you Sis. hang in there, i know it's not a totally glamorous life to be single. You are doing so great making the best of your life. Remember to think about your heart to heart with your bishopric member :) whatever you guys talked about, i'm sure it was good.

Lynette Mills said...

Way to say it girl...

jamie hixon said...

You could publish this. I think it is well said and it needs to be out there.

slipkid90515 said...

I felt all those same frustrations before meeting Taylor. It's difficult to describe the difference between attraction in dating and attraction in marriage to someone who isn't married. But I do know that if you get too hung up on attraction in dating, you'll never get to experience attraction in marriage, which is something that everyone understands.

On the plus side, I'm glad that I went through those struggles with guys before Taylor -- it has made me appreciate Taylor that much more and ... if i wrote down the name of every guy I wanted it to work out with before meeting Taylor and actually thought about what if it HAD worked out with so and so ... ick, I can't even think about it!

I've found that the love that I experience in marriage has almost erased all the pain and strife that I went through as a YSA. I feel VERY confident that the same will be true for you someday :)