A Girl Should Be Two Things: Classy & Fabulous. - Coco Chanel


Thursday, February 6, 2014

Confessions of a Brunette on the Internet 207

What a week. It has been exciting and VERY draining at the same time.

I had so much fun with my family in Arizona. I'm so glad that it worked out that everyone could be there and that everyone had such a good time. My family is super great and I love them a lot and hope that it doesn't take so long before the next time it happens. I flew to Arizona, but I actually drove back with my family on Tuesday in a 15 passenger van that my dad rented for the trip. There were 6 adults and 4 kids and a baby. It was an adventure. We actually only had to stop twice, the weather was in our favor and the kids and baby all did pretty well the majority of the drive. Not bad. :) I got back Tuesday night...

I unpacked from Arizona and then got up early yesterday morning to go ice fishing for work. It was so cold. Sure beats working though. I will be blogging about that later. I went to work, got caught up on work from being gone a few days. After work I started packing for my next trip. Different kind of packing... camping gear in my backpack instead of suitcase trip. I was excited to get to use my awesome backpack again and get to try out my new snow shoes and sleeping bag and all my new Winter gear that I bought this year. I will have another blog post about that adventure.

I went to karaoke for the first time in like 8 months. It was fun... but it wasn't quite the same. I didn't sing. Josh rapped an oldie but goodie. Josh's brother was going to go but they didn't have his song... so that was kind of disappointing because Josh told me his brother was even better than he was and I don't even know how that is possible. Hopefully we will go back soon. Also I hope we get a bigger group. It was just Josh and his brother and me and John. We still had fun, but I missed the old karaoke gang. Glad John got to experience it though.

Which leads me into the other reason why this week was so draining. John and I broke up. I'm not usually one to write about these things on my blog... I never even gave an explanation about my broken engagement after it happened. However there was so much drama that went into that... and the story with John is different. I talked about John a lot on my blog... but besides that I was never super public about our dating. I'm just not one that likes to put it out for everyone on social media first of all... and from the beginning I knew our relationship had a termination date... which is unusual for one to go into a relationship knowing it isn't going to last. I'm very aware this isn't normal. When John and I went on our first date, I didn't really think much else besides the fact that I thought he was a cool guy and we had great conversation... but I honestly never thought I would see him again. When he started to pursue me... I was enjoying his company, but was not wanting to get too involved because we wanted different things (mainly I'm all about being Mormon and he's not anymore). I told him we could keep dating, but I had to still date other people because I was looking to settle down and get married. That lasted about a month. By that time, John and I were spending so much time together and I enjoyed my time with him so much that I lost my desire to try and go out with other guys. John wasn't looking for anything serious, but he made it very easy for me to fall for him. I was so happy to be in a good and healthy relationship where I was being treated so well that I didn't care that it wasn't going to last. I was just enjoying being with someone that made me happy. Someone that shared so many of my interests and meshed so well with my personality and sense of humor and someone that I was very attracted to. Not only did we have our religious differences from the beginning (which was never a problem in our relationship but we realized it would be if we ever did get serious) but I also knew that John was going to leave to backpack South America. Before I met John he had spent 10 months backpacking around the states and Europe and India.  Next he was going to South America and staying until he feels like coming back... which will probably be before Thanksgiving. He leaves in a little over a month. I don't think he or I thought we would still be dating right before he was going to leave. He didn't want to be in a relationship before he left and the closer it got to his trip... the more complicated it became between us. We never fought, he was just becoming less attached and I was becoming more attached. I thought about breaking it off a few weeks ago, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. He broke it off this week. I wasn't thrilled it happened a week before Valentines Day... but I guess it's just a day.

I would be lying if I said I wasn't sad and feeling very hurt. I would be lying if I told you I didn't cry. I did. However, I am ok with this because I know it needed to happen. It didn't happen the way I thought it would... but it happened. I'm not sad because I thought John and I would ever get married, because I knew we wouldn't. That is one of the reason's why I didn't want people to get excited about the relationship... I mean, I wanted people to be happy for me because I was happy, but I didn't want people to think this might FINALLY be the one and marriage was in my future. The reason I am really sad is because over the last 5 months that John and I have been dating... he has become my best friend. It sucks to lose your best friend that you told everything to and did everything with. I honestly don't have that many other friends that I hang out with besides him... so that is hard. I'm also sad because I know how much dating sucks... and I hate the idea of starting over and not knowing how long it will take before I find someone else that I like that likes me back etc... being 31 and single is not easy.... it really isn't. John and I are still going to be friends. We decided that before we started dating exclusively. I'm sticking to it even though it won't be easy to just flip that switch. We are even going ice fishing this Saturday with a group of my friends. Things won't be the same, but he won't be completely out of my life either. We both really care about each other still and want to be a part of each other's lives. John and I are very alike in this way. All of this being said, it may not make sense to a lot of people because I know a lot of people wouldn't have done things this way or even gotten into this situation, but I have no regrets. I am happy to have dated John and feel I was my best self in our relationship. John and I did so many fun things together... and will continue to do so on occasion and hopefully we both learned and grew from the relationship. I know I did. John is wonderful and I will always have only good things to say about him even though my heart is hurting at the moment.

Now you have the scoop. Now I need to get out there and start dating again and hold on to the hope that there is someone out there for me and I can find someone as great as John AND an active Mormon.  So if you know of any great single guys for me, let me know. Set up's are welcomed. :)

This snow shoe yurt trip couldn't have come at a better time. Great time to spend with people and get my mind off of the break up.


Jessica Stark said...

So sorry, Tracy. He sounded like a great guy!

William said...

Maybe while he is backpacking, John will get knocked on the head by a big mango and it will help him realize all that he has and can have if he goes back to church ;)
If not, you have a great attitude Tracy and I am proud of you. Love you, Lori

Lynette Mills said...

Yes, what Lori said. It makes me sad when you are sad Tracy. I love you!

jamie hixon said...

Aw. I'm sorry that your heart is hurting right now. You guys really did have a very unique relationship. I'm glad John was always good to you and a gentleman... I love your positivity and I love you!