The other day I was on the phone with one of my best friends, Steve. He has been married now for almost 3 years and has a little baby girl and I haven't talked to him since... well, since the baby was a baby. She is now over a year, I'm not even sure. Anyway... while we were chatting he was telling me that he doesn't get any time to himself... which is why we never talk anymore. Just his commute to and from work. That is hard for him.
On the other end of the phone I was thinking... man, I wish I had someone that wanted me to spend all of their time with me. Not that I am that needy and need to spend every minute of every day with someone... but I'm saying I am on the opposite end of the spectrum and feeling quite lonely.
I know that loneliness doesn't go away when you get married. I hear all of the time that married people feel just as lonely if not more so than being single. I have never experienced that, so I don't know what that is like. I only know what my experience has been during my single years.
These last few weeks I have really been feeling the loneliness and it's been hard... hence why I am writing about it. It would probably be more helpful to go to a therapist, but I blog it out instead. It helps sometimes.
I feel like my emotions are like a roller coaster. I have a lot of highs... I feel like I am positive and happy most of the time, which is of course where I like to be at. I know that I have friends and people that love and care about me, but at the drop of a hat... I can feel like nobody cares about me at all, which I know is silly, but I legitimately feel that way. These last couple of weeks I live my normal life and hardly interact with anyone. Things with my roommates had not been great so when I am home I am in the basement by myself. At work, I sit in the corner with my headphones on and don't really talk to anyone all day. An entire day can go by and I will hardly talk to anyone all day long. I realize that this is partially my fault too, but when I start to think that nobody cares, I subconsciously test it... to see if it's true. I distance myself on purpose to see if anyone will notice or care. So when people don't talk to me, I have proven that nobody cares. I completely realize how stupid this is and how stupid it sounds... but this is really what happens inside of my head and I know it's happening and I still let it happen even though I know better.
It is very important for me to have friends and to connect to people on a deep level. It's hard to find friends that connect back. When I find them... I really latch on. Not in a needy way, but I care deeply for those people and would do anything for those people. Because I care so deeply, I am easily hurt. I feel rejected easily. For example... to add to my loneliness and sadness, my "Dancing through Utah" project fell through. He backed out. Deep down I kind of knew he would, but for some reason it still stung when he did it. I get so excited about things... but it wasn't even that. I looked at it as a fun project to do together... that will not only be fun, but be an excuse to spend time together and bond... like our trip to Brazil. I now consider him a very close friend. So when he backed out and said he just wants to veg at home when he isn't working. In my brain he isn't just saying I don't want to do the project, he is saying... I don't want to spend my free time with you. Which may or may not be true, but that is what I read out of the situation because it isn't a time consuming project. So then I feel rejected and I question... should I consider someone that doesn't really want to spend time with me when it isn't convenient a good friend? Someone who I'm afraid I'm bugging them every time I text them? Someone who doesn't reach out to me to see how I am doing or spend time with me for weeks at a time? That is just one example. Then that process spirals to ... what is it about me that makes me such an inconvenience as a friend? Am I not an enjoyable person to spend your free time with? So on and so forth. I do have some great friends that I know are there for me no matter what and have been for years, but they aren't in my current circle... so as great as it is to have them in my life, they can't physically be there for me. They are married, they are in a different state, etc.. Lolly is the best example of great friends in my life. I actually text her today needing encouragement with this loneliness I am feeling and she text back right away and was there to talk and support me in whatever way that I needed. She is the best. I just wish there were more friends like her. I feel like when you are an older single, people just don't want to invest in friends like they did when they were younger. I'm not talking acquaintance friends... I'm talking real friends like Lolly. It's tough because those are the type of friends that I need. At least a couple of them anyway.
On top of that, I'm not dating. I have gone on dates here and there, but really... I rarely get asked out. I'm surrounded all day everyday at work by married people. I wonder how in the world I will ever meet someone. Every year that goes by seems more hopeless. Then thoughts go to... I'm never going to find someone and I won't get the opportunity to have kids. Then thoughts lead to... why doesn't anyone want me? I always thought I would make a great wife and mother, I feel like I have a lot to offer, but maybe that isn't what is seen on the outside. I don't know how other people look at me. I seek validation from men online in the wrong ways that are not even helpful to me in the end. I try to fill the void in different ways. The thoughts that go through my head about myself when I'm feeling this way can be pretty nasty. I hate it. I don't want to view myself that way. I always lecture other people never to view themselves that way. I would never talk to someone else the way I talk to myself. Why do I do it?
Then one day I will feel love from someone in some way and it is enough to snap me out of this dark place that I go. *Don't think that I get depressed or ever want to kill myself because it never even get's close to that... I just get in this bad funk that is hard to get out of sometimes so I watch a lot of tv so that I can get involved in another world instead of facing my own* and then everything is back to my normal happy self... until something happens (or a a lot of somethings happen) that makes me feel that deep loneliness again, then you just have this post on repeat.
Right now... I'm lonely. I wish I had more friends that wanted to spend time with me and really cared. In the meantime, I will try harder to make more of an effort towards other people and try not to slip into the deep dark pit of depression when I get rejected. I have really been missing my Grandma a lot these last couple of weeks. Not only because I miss going to visit her but she also made me feel like the most special person in the world. I could use some of that.