A Girl Should Be Two Things: Classy & Fabulous. - Coco Chanel


Tuesday, March 18, 2014

Dear John

*This post is really for me to process my feelings. Skip this post unless you want to hear about a sappy complicated relationship ha ha*

Remember when John and I broke up? Well... that break up lasted about 2 weeks. I mean... we are still broken up. I started dating other people, however, after a couple weeks we were back together. We missed each other. We basically were spending as much time together before he leaves.

Since I first met John over 6 months ago, I knew he was going to leave to backpack South America. I not only thought it was great and totally supported him in that, but I was a little jealous. Once we started dating more seriously, I still wanted him to go... but I was not as excited because I was becoming attached. We both did not see this coming. I dreaded the thought of him leaving for 6 months. I knew what I signed up for and accepted the way things were. Then we broke up. I figured that would make things easier with him leaving. We wouldn't be spending as much time together so it would be easier to see him go. Didn't seem to work out that way.

A couple weeks before he left were romantic and exciting. He was leaving and so our relationship was different, it wasn't just routine like it was before, it became more loving and caring. That didn't change anything though, he was still leaving and I was going to be okay with it because that is what I accepted from the beginning. I went to all of his soccer games, I spent a lot of time with him and his family.

Then the night I had been dreading came, last night. He asked me to take him to the airport. The week previous to his departure had been a mix of emotions so when I showed up to take him I didn't know what to expect. He asked me if I was upset that he was leaving. Of course I'm not. I'm excited for him. Am I going to miss him? Am I sad? Yes, very much so. We didn't talk much. We both didn't really know what to say to each other. We just kept hugging and saying goodbye's suck. I tried to small talk and trying not to cry, but tears kept creeping down my face. I tried not to let him see because he already had enough emotions going on. Then it was time for us to leave and I had to watch him say goodbye to his family. I cried as I watched all of them cry. It was very sweet. I felt a little selfish that I was taking him away and that I would be the last one to be with him and the last one to say goodbye.

As I took him to the airport I watched him wipe tears from his face. I have never seen John cry before. It was very sweet... and sad. He asked me how I was feeling again. I told him again that I was sad and would miss him, but that I didn't worry about him and knew he would be okay because he is smart and can take care of himself. I asked him if he wanted to talk. He didn't want to talk... just hold my hand. So we held hands while I drove to the airport..... which seemed like a VERY short drive. When we got to the airport, I got out of the car to give him his final hug goodbye. He started to cry more which made me cry more. As I wiped his tears away I told him that once he got there he would have a great time and that I will be thinking about him a lot and will miss him. We just hugged and kissed goodbye while crying. In a shaky voice he told me that he would be seeing me soon and that he would write me when he could. Then he was off....

This ended up being a lot harder than I thought it was going to be. I don't know what I was expecting, but I wasn't expecting this. I cried a lot of the way home. I was excited for him and I worried about him. I felt like it was a sappy scene from a romance movie that later would have some happy ending. I know that 6 months isn't THAT long... but I guess the difference between us and other people that say goodbye to their spouse for a long time is that I have no idea what happens to us. Is this our time apart so that we both move on from each other? I of course am going to date other people even though my heart is still with him. Truth is, I don't know what our ending will be. Regardless, goodbyes are not fun. I got a text from him at 5:30 when he was leaving JFK. I got another text from him tonight saying he had a great first day in Columbia and he would write me more later. It hasn't really sunk in yet that he is gone, that I don't have the option of hanging out with him anymore. It will take some getting used to. It was all very bitter sweet.

Dear John,

Of course I'm sad to see you go and I will miss you, but I'm excited for you. You are going to have so many more great adventures to add to your life story. I'm excited for all the new friends you are going to make. I'm going to be jealous every time you update your South America album on facebook. I hope you get what you are looking for out of this trip. Be smart (as you told me before I left for Southeast Asia) and be safe. I will see you soon.



Jessica Stark said...

Aww I am so sad for you. He sounds like a great guy, Tracy. I almost cried reading this post! Hang in there, 6 months will go by quickly!

jamie hixon said...

Oh, you guys are so cute. I mean, if it is meant to be then it is meant to be (says the girl who isn't going through this right now). I hope whatever is supposed to happen will happen.